How to stop co-sleeping without weeks of tears?

Question

Bed sharing was lovely for ages but our 2.5 year old is a total starfish now and none of us are sleeping. I'd love our bed back but the thought of leaving her to cry makes me feel sick. Has anyone got them out gently?

Gemma Coe · Accepted Answer

Hi Emma, You absolutely do not have to leave her to cry alone in order to move away from co-sleeping! A gradual transition can be a lovely option at this age, particularly when she has always been used to having you close by. Start by helping her become familiar with her own sleep space during the day. Spend time playing, reading and having cuddles there, and let her help choose something for the bed if that feels helpful. You can then gradually begin doing more of her bedtime routine in her room too. When you feel ready, you could move into her room and temporarily camp out alongside her. Continue offering the closeness she is used to while she adjusts to falling asleep and waking in the new space. Once she feels secure there, gradually reduce the support. You might move from lying beside her with lots of cuddles, to holding hands, then sitting next to the bed and slowly moving further away over time. It is realistic to expect that she may still feel upset at points because the boundary is changing. The aim is not necessarily to guarantee no tears at all, but to remain close, responsive and reassuring while she learns that her new bed is a safe place to sleep. Take your time and avoid rushing ahead if a step feels too big. This may take a few weeks rather than a few nights, but slow, consistent progress is often much gentler for everyone. I hope that helps, and that you soon have a little more space in your bed!

Ryan · Answer

Slow and steady worked for us. Put her mattress on the floor next to us to start, then I sat by it, then over by the door, shifting a bit further every few nights. Took a couple of weeks and there were barely any tears. Only thing I'd say is don't get impatient and jump ahead like I kept wanting to, that's when it went backwards on us.

Kate · Answer

We sold the idea of his own bed really hard. Let him pick the duvet, made a big fuss about being a big boy, did naps in it first before we tried nights. Weirdly a teddy that couldn't sleep without him did loads of the work. One of us stayed till he nodded off for a while then we slowly stopped doing that bit.

Mel · Answer

Bit of a pick up put down mixed with gradual retreat here. Took about a month and I won't pretend there were no tears, but nothing like leaving her to cry it out on her own. Slow is the trick, every time I rushed it we went backwards.